Not so long ago, I found out that I am going to have another baby.
Having already been blessed with my bouncing baby boy Aidan, I was so excited about this new pregnancy! You see, I am a girly GIRLY girl. I love my lipstick, nail polish, perfume, shopping and all things PINK. I admit I have always been a little bit prissy and A-LOT-a-bit sassy. I was really thrown for a loop when I found out that Aidan was going to be a boy, because I really did not know what I would do with a boy. Of course now, I cannot imagine things any other way. Then it came as a bit of a shock that we were expecting again so soon! I was surprised because, well, we were not exactly “trying” and yet at the same time were not doing anything to prevent pregnancy either. We had gone through such a difficult time to get pregnant with Aidan in the first place, I guess we never could have imagined it would ever happen that easy for us! (It did.)From the moment I found out I had another life growing inside of me, I started having dreams of pink frilly dresses and visions of dance recitals. I made lists upon lists of baby girl names and had daydreams of all the things we would do together. I made a specific list of things that I did not get to do as a little girl and I would make it one of my missions in life to help her in any way I can, get to do those things, things I never did get to do or finish doing. Oh how I wanted this baby to be a little girl . I thought of all the fun we would have and how she would never know the heartaches I have myself suffered, If I had anything to do about it. My dreams ran wild! I looked into the future and I could see teddy bear tea parties and barbie doll beauty shoppes. Well through the middle of all the pink frilly purple clouds, it became more difficult for me to hear what God was trying to tell me. I got so busy making my OWN plans, that I never bothered to pray to Him for wisdom because oh FOR SURE this baby is going to be a girl. I wanted a girl the first time and did not get her. Aidan turned out great and yes that was God’s plan. But now? Now it is MY turn! So God began to poke holes in my big pink bubble. What if it’s another boy? What if THIS is my plan for you instead?? (Jeremiah 29:11) Then I began to feel incredibly guilty. If this baby turns out to be a boy, I’m so afraid I will be disappointed about not getting a girl, that he would not get the excitement that he deserves from me.
So I began to spend alot of time with God in prayer. I talked out all of my feelings. My desire to have a little girl, yet my love and absolute joy I have being a mother of a little boy. I asked God to give me peace. I had been having alot of worry about the health of the baby first and foremost, and then there was the gender anxiety. One afternoon, I really felt led to make everything in my apartment as calm and quiet as can be, and just spend the day alone in God’s presence. Not talk, just listen. So I did. I began to think about my life, even from the earliest stages and who has influenced me the most. By far and large, my father has had the single greatest earthly impact in helping shape me into who I am. He’s the one who led me to Christ at a very young age and my life would not be the same without him. Then I started thinking about how all throughout my life, my school years, even up into college, how I had more friends that were boys than friends that were girls. The friendships with these guys were exactly that, friendships, non-romantic relationships, with great guys who I still keep in touch with to this day. Many of whom have lovely wives and children and I am blessed to know them and blessed to call them friends. It was with these guys in mind, that God revealed to me just how in control and sovereign He is. God has been using all these dear boy friendships over the years to mold me, shape me, groom me and prepare me to be the mother of a little boy (possible 2?) I have loved many guys over the years, and I married my favorite one. The man I married has known from day one that I have friendships with guys that go way back and has never been jealous (nor have I ever given him a reason to be jealous) I am so in awe of the big picture God has planned for me. So going into today’s appointment, I had peace either way. Either I was going to get the girl that I had daydreamed about, or I was getting another sweet baby boy.
And the verdict is……….
So this is what I’m meant to do. Have boys. Be a mother to sons. It is such an amazing privilege, that it overwhelms me. Growing boys into men. Help shape future husbands and fathers. Not that I’m not still a teensy bit disappointed I did not get the girl I daydreamed about. Ohhh how can I explain this?? I think God knows what he’s doing by giving me boys. I have OH SO many issues, insecurities, wounds , scars, etc etc, that took place when I was a little girl, wounds that I’m afraid would bust wide open at times if I were to have little girls. I have so many little girl hurts, that they may, as hard as I would try to prevent it, make trickle down to her and I would inadvertently expose her own insecurities in the process. Not that I won’t have to work hard to keep this from happening with my boys as well, it just seems that girls are a completely different ball game, especially when it comes to emotions!
So we are very blessed and excited. Everything on the ultrasound turned out completely normal, and we have another healthy boy on the way! Now if we can only come up with a name. All suggestions are welcome! Thanks for visiting this post and be sure to leave a comment with a suggestion for a boy name. We need all the help we can get!!